So there is a little confusion about my last post. I'm not happy that my father has past but am extremely happy for him that he was able to find dignity in his death. A little background on his life; he was born in 1948 to a crazy, CRAZY, did I say crazy? woman and kind of nomad man. He was one of four children but seemed to have the worst luck. My father, at a very young age, was playing in a 55 gallon drum that had a burn pile in it and caught on fire. When this grabbed my grandmother’s attention she did nothing to help put him out. Because of this he suffered 3rd degree burns over his entire body. He was in the county hospital for a full year recovering with not one visit from his mom. This was just one incident of hundreds in my fathers up-bringing that led him to believe that he wasn't loved and that hurt and pain is how you show affection. So this is how he lived his life, he beat all his significant others, his son, co-workers, best friends, pretty much anyone that was in front of him when his vision turned red. There was this story in the paper when I was younger about an elderly couple that was severely beaten in broad daylight outside a local bar. After reading this my mother told me, “just a couple more of your father’s victims!" trying to understand all of this in my childhood was tough but it was just the way it was. My father’s first wife actually wrote a book on all of the people that she believed he had killed and gotten away with. When I was roughly 17 years old my father had told me about the investigation of him possibly being the Zodiac killer.  Strangely enough this did not even make me bat an eye. Through all of this however I always loved him, with all my heart. I had always had this connection with him. I think I always instantaneously forgave him for all of these cruel situations that he was apart of not because I thought it was ok by a means, simply because I knew this was how he was wired. He would almost do these things one on top of the other out of guilt. I know his heart hurt every time he drew blood of another individual, the guilt would trigger his temper and then he would take it out on the next innocent bystander. Tragic cycle!!!!!!

Back to the dignity in his death.....The last time I spoke with my dad, it was a 2 hour long conversation of apologies. He explained to me of his pain, anger, sadness and guilt. He was so ashamed of his life and lonely. He new that he had created this destiny for himself. My daughter at the time was just 9 months old. He explained to me that he didn't want to

meet her because he didn't want to cause her any pain. He told me that he was acting as a recluse to avoid people. He said, "All I do is cause pain. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore." He always had a girlfriend so when he explained to me that he didn't even want that, I knew it had really sank in what he was. My father committed suicide to stop hurting other people. His final thought was to hurt himself to keep from hurting others.  Freedom from the guilt, pain, sadness and anger. This was the sunshine in my father’s darkness.

So I realized that the break table at work is where i get asked the most questions and share the most stories. i was just asked today about the death of my father. i replied with a fist pump that my father had commited suicide. I know, I know this sounds so morbid. but really, his death was so incredibley dignified. a man who created so much pain to others through out his life, took his life to stop the pain. Beautiful if you ask me. When i recieved the news last october that he died, my mother and husband walked into my work together. i remember feeling my heart sink to my toes, i thought something was wrong with my daughter. ( i mean lets face it, the last time i had an unexpected visit like this my dog was shot by my neighbor when i was 7 month prego.) so here i am innocently waiting in line for the restroom and they walk in. the first words out of my mothers mouth(thank god) nothings wrong with merms. ugggghhh big sigh, she says your father died. "thats fine" those are the words that came out of my mouth. it wasn't fine, i was all kinds of fucked up. i had no idea the journey i was in for. My mom then handed me a piece of paper that read the name of the investigator taking care of the investigation and man found in a ditch. i guess this was her way of being sensitive. My mom is in no way sensitive to others. or should i say with me. but she thinks this was perfectly normal and an amazing way to handle it. now i do have to take into consideration that my father literally beet her to a pulp for ten years but this is who she chose for my father. any way, this is how i satrted this incredibly insane eye opening amazing journey of forgiving my father and sticking up to my mother.

Everyday I wake up saying today is the first day of the rest of my life. i suppose i say this cause nothing really "bad" happens the moment you wake up. today has been a relatively good day so im going to go ahead and say, today is the first day of the rest of my life at 8:16pm. I have an amazing lil girl that only wants to eat pancakes. Tonight she asked for cheerios. This is good or maybe strange......sometimes the storm starts after strange changes like this.its time to go blow bubbles