So I realized that the break table at work is where i get asked the most questions and share the most stories. i was just asked today about the death of my father. i replied with a fist pump that my father had commited suicide. I know, I know this sounds so morbid. but really, his death was so incredibley dignified. a man who created so much pain to others through out his life, took his life to stop the pain. Beautiful if you ask me. When i recieved the news last october that he died, my mother and husband walked into my work together. i remember feeling my heart sink to my toes, i thought something was wrong with my daughter. ( i mean lets face it, the last time i had an unexpected visit like this my dog was shot by my neighbor when i was 7 month prego.) so here i am innocently waiting in line for the restroom and they walk in. the first words out of my mothers mouth(thank god) nothings wrong with merms. ugggghhh big sigh, she says your father died. "thats fine" those are the words that came out of my mouth. it wasn't fine, i was all kinds of fucked up. i had no idea the journey i was in for. My mom then handed me a piece of paper that read the name of the investigator taking care of the investigation and man found in a ditch. i guess this was her way of being sensitive. My mom is in no way sensitive to others. or should i say with me. but she thinks this was perfectly normal and an amazing way to handle it. now i do have to take into consideration that my father literally beet her to a pulp for ten years but this is who she chose for my father. any way, this is how i satrted this incredibly insane eye opening amazing journey of forgiving my father and sticking up to my mother.

Everyday I wake up saying today is the first day of the rest of my life. i suppose i say this cause nothing really "bad" happens the moment you wake up. today has been a relatively good day so im going to go ahead and say, today is the first day of the rest of my life at 8:16pm. I have an amazing lil girl that only wants to eat pancakes. Tonight she asked for cheerios. This is good or maybe strange......sometimes the storm starts after strange changes like this.its time to go blow bubbles